love that will not let me go

o lover of my weary soul,
i know that i’ve done wrong.
i’m hurting, but i’ve caused much pain
with all the things i’ve done.

i feel so
g u i l t y

lover of my troubled heart,
i’ve run so far from you.
it’s dark and unfamiliar now;
i don’t know what to do.

i feel so
l o s t

lover of my broken mind,
i’m drowning in the black–
the darkness has a hold now,
and i cannot push it back.

i feel so
c h o k e d

lover of my hurting self,
i cannot carry on.
my burden is too heavy,
and i’ve fought for far too long.

i feel so
d r a i n e d

o love that will not let me go,
i need your strength tonight.
my courage is exhausted;
i’ve lost my will to fight.

i feel so
h e a v y

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feel

Recently I’ve been experimenting with a new poetry style, just to shake things up a bit. I’ve been feeling a little strange lately, but I think the fog is lifting a little. I wrote this one this morning, as a reflection of that. Hope you enjoy.

broken and empty,
i come here for rest –
i come to the shadows to hide.
i come for sanctuary,
but i find no peace;
in the darkness, there’s no rest to find.

i feel so
h e a v y

there’s nowhere to go now;
i can’t see the light,
i can’t find my way out of the black.
i’m so tired of searching –
i can’t find the path –
i don’t know how to make my way back.

i feel so
l o s t

but then in the distance,
a glimmer of light,
a glimpse of the piece that i need!
i run to the light,
and it leads to the one
i abandoned, the one i love to leave.

i feel so
a f r a i d

i’m scared now of the light –
i’m afraid to face him,
but i’m already caught in his rays.
i can’t earn his favor
or yet another chance –
i don’t deserve any of grace.

i feel so
g u i l t y

but he looks at me gently,
with love in his eyes.
he says to me softly, “my girl,
i love you always;
i’ll take you back again,”
and color floods to my black-and-white world.

i feel so
a l i v e

he loves me, he loves me
in spite of myself,
in spite of the things that i’ve done.
i gladly forsake them,
abandon the dark,
and run to the arms of the son.

i feel so
f r e e

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Fear

I bought pepper spray today.

Never, in nearly 21 years, have I felt the need to get any. I’ve never felt like I needed to protect myself. I’ve always been independent, but I’ve always been protected. I’ve always felt safe.

All of that changed with a single email.

According to this email, someone has been hanging around the gates of my school for the last few days. And a few days ago, when a female student was walking off campus by herself in the middle of the day, as I often do myself, he grabbed her. She escaped, and he hasn’t been seen much since. Campus police and city police alike are on the lookout for this man, and it’s unlikely he’s much of a threat anymore.

But the story shook me more than I care to admit. There are many more like him, and she could’ve been me. I value my alone time, and I often walk alone to the Starbucks a block away from campus. But I’m too afraid to do that now. I’m terrified, but more than that, I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to be scared. I’m angry that I can’t walk alone now, that I have to take someone with me or perhaps get stuck on campus because I’m a small young woman and thus an easy target.

I feel like I’ve lost something, like something has been taken from me that I’ll never get back. But I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly. Innocence, perhapsI always knew this kind of thing happened, but never so close, and never quite like this. It could be freedomI can no longer go alone where I want and when I want. My sense of security, perhapsI don’t feel safe alone anymore. Maybe it’s something else, or maybe it’s all of these. Whatever it is, I’ll never again leave without looking over my shoulder at every turn, and that breaks my heart.

I know this isn’t the kind of thing that I typically post, but it’s heavy on my heart tonight. Men, please, strive to be a godly man, a man of character, the kind of man that women don’t have to fear. Ladies, please be careful, for there are all too many that would take advantage of you.

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Our Great God

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O Praise the Name

 

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Joy Comes in the Morning

“It is faith in our good and sovereign God that enables us to wait until the morning. But we must never forget that often the night is long and the weeping uncontrollable.”

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Reflections

2018 is not starting off the way I imagined.

Let me explain. This whole school year has been pretty rough for me. My sister and a lot of my friends graduated last yearI still have friends, and some very good ones at that, but my circle has grown exponentially smaller. I haven’t been in a good mental or spiritual placeit’s been a long time since my depression was this out of hand, and it got so bad that I was in counseling for it all of last semester. All in all, I haven’t been doing incredibly well. Junior year hit me like a truck and then backed over me a few times, and I wasn’t exactly eager for round two.

But inevitably, round two came for me. The day I left home, I cried. A lot. There was nothing I wanted less than to come back to school, and piled on top of all of my emotional baggage was the fact that neither my roommates nor my best friend would be returning. I’ve never been less excited about a semester of school.

I’m not going to lie. My attitude at the start of the semester was awful. I was angry. I didn’t see any reason that I had to be here, and yet, here I was. I was quite the little black raincloud when I arrived on campus.

But through the messages that I’ve heard in chapel, the sermons that I’ve heard at church, and even the lectures I’ve heard in class, my faithful God has encouraged my rebellious heart. He has reminded me that He is sovereign, and He knows what’s best for me. Most of all, He’s shown me that this is where I need to be. It may not be where I want to be, but it’s not ultimately up to me. I’m still coming to terms with a lot of things, but I’m where I’m supposed to be, and the rest is up to Him.

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