I bought pepper spray today.

Never, in nearly 21 years, have I felt the need to get any. I’ve never felt like I needed to protect myself. I’ve always been independent, but I’ve always been protected. I’ve always felt safe.

All of that changed with a single email.

According to this email, someone has been hanging around the gates of my school for the last few days. And a few days ago, when a female student was walking off campus by herself in the middle of the day, as I often do myself, he grabbed her. She escaped, and he hasn’t been seen much since. Campus police and city police alike are on the lookout for this man, and it’s unlikely he’s much of a threat anymore.

But the story shook me more than I care to admit. There are many more like him, and she could’ve been me. I value my alone time, and I often walk alone to the Starbucks a block away from campus. But I’m too afraid to do that now. I’m terrified, but more than that, I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to be scared. I’m angry that I can’t walk alone now, that I have to take someone with me or perhaps get stuck on campus because I’m a small young woman and thus an easy target.

I feel like I’ve lost something, like something has been taken from me that I’ll never get back. But I can’t put my finger on what it is exactly. Innocence, perhapsI always knew this kind of thing happened, but never so close, and never quite like this. It could be freedomI can no longer go alone where I want and when I want. My sense of security, perhapsI don’t feel safe alone anymore. Maybe it’s something else, or maybe it’s all of these. Whatever it is, I’ll never again leave without looking over my shoulder at every turn, and that breaks my heart.

I know this isn’t the kind of thing that I typically post, but it’s heavy on my heart tonight. Men, please, strive to be a godly man, a man of character, the kind of man that women don’t have to fear. Ladies, please be careful, for there are all too many that would take advantage of you.

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Our Great God

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O Praise the Name


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Joy Comes in the Morning

“It is faith in our good and sovereign God that enables us to wait until the morning. But we must never forget that often the night is long and the weeping uncontrollable.”

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2018 is not starting off the way I imagined.

Let me explain. This whole school year has been pretty rough for me. My sister and a lot of my friends graduated last yearI still have friends, and some very good ones at that, but my circle has grown exponentially smaller. I haven’t been in a good mental or spiritual placeit’s been a long time since my depression was this out of hand, and it got so bad that I was in counseling for it all of last semester. All in all, I haven’t been doing incredibly well. Junior year hit me like a truck and then backed over me a few times, and I wasn’t exactly eager for round two.

But inevitably, round two came for me. The day I left home, I cried. A lot. There was nothing I wanted less than to come back to school, and piled on top of all of my emotional baggage was the fact that neither my roommates nor my best friend would be returning. I’ve never been less excited about a semester of school.

I’m not going to lie. My attitude at the start of the semester was awful. I was angry. I didn’t see any reason that I had to be here, and yet, here I was. I was quite the little black raincloud when I arrived on campus.

But through the messages that I’ve heard in chapel, the sermons that I’ve heard at church, and even the lectures I’ve heard in class, my faithful God has encouraged my rebellious heart. He has reminded me that He is sovereign, and He knows what’s best for me. Most of all, He’s shown me that this is where I need to be. It may not be where I want to be, but it’s not ultimately up to me. I’m still coming to terms with a lot of things, but I’m where I’m supposed to be, and the rest is up to Him.

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“Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore. Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead’s deepest sea; be lost in His immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know nothing which can so comfort the soul, so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief, so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead.” -Charles H. Spurgeon

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Song of Moses

“Though the storms of hell pursue,
In darkest night, we worship You!
You divide the raging sea;
From death to life, You safely lead.”

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